Bob and Bill were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Bob," asked Bill, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Bob replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Bill asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Bob said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Bill asked again.
"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."
The Ultimate Top 25 Chuck Norris “The Programmer” Jokes
1. When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it’s across the room.
2. All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.
3. Chuck Norris doesn’t have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.
4. Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.
5. Chuck Norris can’t test for equality because he has no equal.
6. Chuck Norris doesn’t need garbage collection because he doesn’t call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().
7. Chuck Norris’s first program was kill -9.
8. Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.
9. All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colors black and blue.
10. MySpace actually isn’t your space, it’s Chuck’s (he just lets you use it).
11. Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions…and have them return.
12. Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.
13. The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.
14. Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
15. Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations…ever.
16. Chuck Norris doesn’t use web standards as the web will conform to him.
17. “It works on my machine” always holds true for Chuck Norris.
18. Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
19. Chuck Norris doesn’t do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.
20. Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
21. Chuck Norris’s beard can type 140 wpm.
22. Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.
23. Chuck Norris doesn’t bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.
24. Chuck Norris’s keyboard doesn’t have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
25. When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message “Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?”.
Got any more? Comment them below…
Indian English: English dialogues in South Indian Films (Asian)
1) U can study and get any certificates. But u cannot get ur death certificate
2) U may have AIRTEL or Virgin connection but when u sneeze you ll say HUTCH
3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in engineering college. U cannot become a president if you study in Presidency College
4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ... you cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop.
5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but a software engineer cannot becom a software
6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world in world cup
7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.
WHY I OPENED THIS MAIL
2) U may have AIRTEL or Virgin connection but when u sneeze you ll say HUTCH
3 ) U can bcome an engineer if u study in engineering college. U cannot become a president if you study in Presidency College
4 ) U can expect a BUS from a BUS stop ... you cannot expect a FULL from FULL stop.
5) A mechanical engineer can bcom a mechanic but a software engineer cannot becom a software
6 ) U can find tea in teacup. But cannot find world in world cup
7) U can find keys in Keyboard but u cannot find mother in motherboard.
WHY I OPENED THIS MAIL
Funny Email: Rational response
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness..
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
You can do your bit by remembering to send an email to an unstable friend...
I've done my part!!!
Funny email: Indian Contractor
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the No. 10. Downing street.
One is an English worker, another is a scottish worker, and the third is an Indian worker.
All three go with a No.10 offical to examine the fence.
English contractor takes out a tape measure & does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run to about £500: £200 for materials, £200 for my crew and £100 profit for me.”
Scottish contractor also does some measuring, figuring, then says, “I can do this job for £600: £250 for materials, £250 for my crew and £100 profit for me.”
The Indian contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the No.10 official and whispers, “£1500.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Indian contractor whispers back, “£500 for me, £500 for you, and we hire the English contractor to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official.
Funny Email: Boobsessed
A middle-aged man, obsessed with women's breasts, asked a psychologist for help. "Let's begin with word association," said the doctor. "I'll say a word and you say the first thing that pops into your mind."
"Okay."
"Melons." "Breasts."
"Apples." "Breasts."
"Oranges." "Breasts."
"Apples." "Breasts."
"Oranges." "Breasts."
This was a deep problem.
"Windshield wipers." "Breasts."
"Whoa! Melons, sure. Apples and oranges, maybe. But windshield wipers? What's the connection there?"
"Easy, doc: there's one on the left and one on the right!"
"Windshield wipers." "Breasts."
"Whoa! Melons, sure. Apples and oranges, maybe. But windshield wipers? What's the connection there?"
"Easy, doc: there's one on the left and one on the right!"
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