Funny: Sex as a timer
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,” You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?” She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Funny - Haven't seen a man
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. “Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients”.
“Yes, sir!” answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: “So,Murphy, how was your day?”
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol.”
“Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?” asks the doctor.
“The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir,” says Murphy.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this, and what about the third one?” asks the doctor.
“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: ‘HELP ME for the love of St. Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!’”
“Tunderin’ lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?” asks the doctor.
“I put drops in her eyes.”
Funny email: Smart Computer
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After abrief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting.It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours.Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Funny Email: Pregnant wife
Funny Email - The Blonde Flight Attendant
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"
"You can't get out of your room?"; the captain asked. "Why not?"
She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Catnapped - Circle the Cat Game
Did anybody hear that simple games are addicting. Circle the Cat is one of those simple games that addict you. The goal in Circle the Cat is to completely surround the cat with green dots. Each turn you get to turn one of the yellow dots green, and the cat gets to move one space. If you surround the cat with green dots, you win. If the cat escapes, you lose.
Funny Leave Letter application excerpts
1. Infosys, Bangalore : An employee applied for leave as follows: Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife. Please sanction me one-week leave.
2. Another employee applied for half day leave as follows: "Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 O' Clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
3. A leave letter to the headmaster: "As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
4. An incident of a leave letter "I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
5. Another leave letter written to the headmaster: "As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
6. Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."
7. Another one: "Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
8. From H.A.L. Administration dept: "As my mother-in-law has expired and I am responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
9. Actual letter written for application of leave:"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
10. Letter writing: - "I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
11. Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding: "as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..."
12. This is from Oracle Bangalore: From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son: "as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days..."
13: A candidate's application: "This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'typist and an accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both! For the past several years and I can handle both, I am applying for the post."
Funny Email - Extra Marital Affair
PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well, he kissed me.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist kissed the girl )
GIRL: ......Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist put his hand in the girl's top )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist took off the girl's clothes )
GIRL: Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, he had sex with me!
PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?
( The psychiatrist had sex with the girl )
GIRL: .Yes!
PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But, then he told me he has AIDS.
PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD!!!!!
Tetanus Shot
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.
He says, "Where the heck are you going"?
She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need?"
She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a Tetanus shot."
Funny - The best person for the job
Funny taglines for professionals
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
A Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
A Gynecologist:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
A Podiatrist:
"Time wounds all heels."
An Exhaust Centre:
"No appointment necessary. We can hear you coming."
A Radiator Repair Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.
A Tyre Shop:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
An Electrician:
"Let us remove your shorts."
And some non-business related taglines...
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On an electricity bill:
"We will be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
In a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Funny Email - Weapon of Maths Destruction :P
JOHNSBERG – A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
‘Al-gebra is a problem for us,’ the Attorney General said. ‘They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like ‘x’ and ‘y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns,’ but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle.’ When asked to comment on the arrest, President George Bush said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Math Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.’
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President.
